Dust Bunnies in My Brain

Bow River, Bowmont Park

I went for a walk last Sunday in Bowmont Park. As usual, my mind wandered around from thought to thought. Some brought to mind by sights and sounds around me. 

For instance, when I came to the Zen pond, I rested my head on the fence rail and listened to the falling water while taking deep cleansing breaths and letting go of thoughts all together.

But on a Sunday afternoon, Calgary’s river parks are full of people and dogs. You see all kinds of both doing all kinds of things. I could hear dogs barking in the distance. See people walking while in deep conversation and see people out for serious exercise. 

When a young woman ran past me clad in running gear from head to feet including the obligatory sound system, my thoughts turned to why I don’t run. Here is the conversation that ensued with The Voice in my Head.

Rockyford, 2009

Me: I have NEVER liked running. Not to play. Not to catch transportation. Not for exercise. Not to compete – especially not to compete. *shudder*

Voice: Ya, it’s undignified.

Me: Excuse me!?

Voice: Undignified and, certainly, unladylike. It makes people notice you and a lady does whatever she can to remain unnoticed.

Me: Who the hell are you and how long have you been hiding in my mind as a belief? What else do you have to say about being unseen as a dignified way of being in the world?

Voice: Well, there’s correcting people and having opinions. There’s dressing expressively and making any kind of loud noise. In fact, any action or inaction that causes other people to notice you exist.

At this point, I was standing still with a growing realization that this treacherous thought has held me back all my life. And I don’t even know whose belief it is, where it came from or how it got in my head.

2011 Rockyford, AB

Anyone who knows me will be able to think of times I overcame this limiting thought, but the fact remains that it won more often than I care to admit. Because I’m the only one in my head (thankfully for all of us), no one knows what I refused to do or say because of this voice. 

As I climbed back up the hill to the car, I came to this realization: the thought boils down to one over-riding way of being - strive for invisibility.

I was still chewing that invisibility thought Monday night when I watched
How to Practice Emotional Hygiene by GuyWinch at TEDxLinnaeusUniversity. In his talk, he brings up reactions to failure. He says, “Sometimes a single failure convinced them they couldn’t succeed and they believe it. Once we become convinced of something, it’s very difficult to change our mind.” (9:17 to 9:27)

Red Deer River, 1979

Guy made me examine my reaction to failure. There’s a story from my childhood I only know because I’ve heard it. Apparently, I had just learned to walk and was dang proud of myself. I walked around getting kudos from everyone. We’ve all seen this. We make a big deal about those first steps.

But, I guess mine lead me out the front door, across the lawn and into the gutter to play with the sand on the road. The first my mom knew of it was when the milkman brought me to the door apologizing profusely for running over my legs. (Do not judge my mom for this! Every mother has a story and my Mom had seven stories.)

1959 Bagotville, Quebec

Because I was around one-year-old, my legs healed without any lasting effect and I have no conscious memory of this story. But if there was a single failure that convinced me success is something that comes in its own time, this is a likely candidate.

My family assures me that this setback frustrated me greatly. Imagine a one-year-old trying to figure out why a great and celebrated accomplishment simply left me. 

I could go through the motions, but my legs would not support me – for a time. All my efforts led only to disappointment and frustration. Until one day, my legs worked again. Success comes in its own time regardless of any mortal’s efforts. 

1973

I can see how my belief about success and my desire to be invisible meld in some circumstances. 

It is irrelevant where I got these beliefs, because now I’m on to them. 

Now, I can see the role they played in my past. 

I can’t change the past.

What I can do is recognize these partners exist in the recesses of my brain. They work alone or in tandem. They’re chums. They probably come from the same neighborhood and in any case have worked together often enough by now to be friends.

However, now I’m on to them. I found them out! 

I reclaim my power.