In the Season of Love

In case you missed the flurry on my FB page, I had a birthday last week. As is my habit, I got out my cards for the first time in too long and went intro…

Kathleen, Madelon, me & Matt - all Lacombes and definitely retro

...spection.

You know, as opposed to retro…
Okay, bad joke.

Anyway, I did a message from the universe reading where 4 cards offer thoughts on body, heart, mind and spirit. The card that came up for heart was Judgement. In this case, it refers to divine judgement and the passage in the book mentioned Judgement Day – a personal Judgement Day.

I started by thinking about how, when the time comes, I want to be remembered as an honest, caring person that was willing of give of myself to help give voice to the voiceless. In my case, rivers, trees, wildlife and open space.

Elbow River Falls and less retro me.

But, I had just read the card for Body, so suddenly I found myself confronted by a disembodied voice asking, “And how about yourself? Did you love the body, mind and spirit that you are? Did you take care of your body, nurture your mind and live with your spirit always present?”

Oh, man! “I hadn’t really thought that mattered all that much.” I found myself answering with eyes to floor; which was not there.

What if when my personal Judgement Day comes, I fall short of loving myself? We always talk about being a good person and serving others. What if our job is to be good to ourselves? How much love do I give my body, mind and spirit?

Is it important to experience self-love in order to know how to love others? What if I am admonished for not loving the spirit I am?

I certainly recognize the need within me to look at my quality of self-love. I have been watching how I treat myself for a couple of years now and often find myself asking why I don’t come first in my own mind.

This reminder took me to my journals to find this from August 2011.

Red squirrel copied from
Dereila Nature Inn website.

“And the squirrel! It chattered from the trees, leapt over our heads on the branches and squirreled away pine cones in the wood pile. Someone on Tut posted a link to a site with an enchanted forest. I went there and asked for an animal to help me with self-love. The squirrel showed up. At first, this was confusing. Squirrel? But at the lake, squirrel was always there and always active. Like self-love should be.

“In the movie Up!, a talking dog interrupts himself often when he sees a squirrel. He suddenly stops what he is saying, turns his head quickly and yells, “Squirrel!” This is the appropriate action if you find your mind or your mouth saying unkind or unloving things about you. Recognize these things as squirrel chatter or a passing distraction from truth. Like this… “I am not good enou… SQUIRREL!””

Sculpture from the grounds of the
Reclining Buddha in Bangkok, Thailand

All over spiritual teachings of all kinds is the instruction to honor the Divine within. Any time a person fails to love themselves, they choose to not love that Divine within.

That puts a different perspective on loving God, loving the Holy Spirit doesn’t it? Do I want to arrive wherever it is we arrive and have a master stand before me saying, “Tsk, tsk, really! You could have loved the pure spirit that you carried within all these years a little better. You could have trusted the messages it gave, respected the temple it lived in and fed it better thoughts of gratitude, appreciation and love.”

Right now, I’m not sure I would be able to squeeze past that one if I end up there soon. Maybe our number-one job here is to love unconditionally the spirit that is always with us.

This day in Calgary

Let’s start on a humorous note shall we?

I often refer to my cat as Little Buddy. He’s my little buddy that loves me unconditionally, purrs my heart each night and keeps me company by day. Also, I love cheese.

So today when I saw a sign advertising a burger called Little Buddy with Cheese, it just kind of stuck. 

Now Jack is my Little Buddy with Cheese because the only thing that could make Jack more loveable would be if kissing his little head left the taste of Havarti on my lips.

 

This week I’m learning a lesson. I can’t see what that lesson is yet, but judging by the shit it’s disturbing for me, it must be a doosie… Okay, I’ve never spelled doosie before.

Anyway, at this point even my observer is confused.

Interestingly, the very challenge I’m struggling with I’m trained to and have facilitated other people working through. 

So I find it interesting that I am not blind to the situation, but also not immune to its affect while immersed in chaos. 

I’ve heard it said that attitude is everything and I will vouch for the fact that knowing I am embroiled in situation that is fairly common in our society helps. Having some professional training in how to deal with it is good too, but mostly the maturity and personal clarity I’ve gained over the past year or so is hugely beneficial.

 

To have the ability to know, beyond doubt, that this too shall pass enables me to persevere. Remembering that things of value take work, time and patience allows me to breathe. Practicing an almost impossible chant focuses my mind away from the stress inducing BS currently in my vicinity and pounding my drum vibrates my soul into a still pool.

 

Thank you Universe for providing me with the tools to thrive through difficult circumstances and maybe move from Good to Great (a book I’m reading that you would probably enjoy).

Don't Pull That Trigger

  

I’m not enough and I know better than you do. Those were my emotional triggers I noticed the past few weeks. When you pay attention to what has you reacting, eventually you see the base of the emotional reaction. One of the things I reacted to in early September hit on both those root causes.  

What I find rather interesting is that they appear to be opposite ends of a pendulum swing.

Each time I find myself reacting emotionally to words, circumstance or a new piece of information, underlying it is either righteous indignation or a vulnerable little girl.

The trigger that hit them both this month was the argument that “Fat people are lazy and make bad food choices.” I’m struggling with my weight right now in a way I’ve never had to before. So my vulnerable little girl who takes everything personally and cowers in a dark corner reacted to that with my own guilt whip.

 

Also, I know that science has shown that the obesity epidemic stems from a complex change in the way humans live and eat in addition to certain chemicals we’ve introduced to the environment that are changing the way our bodies react to food and emotional stressors. They call them gender benders; which I find interesting when I react with righteous indignation and imagine myself as a warrior with sword of truth held high.

So I know some things that make me angry and I want to lash out at ignorance, but that is arrogant, foolish, and attached. None of which is helpful to anyone. It is not my place to change others. Besides, I’ve heard that, “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

Then there’s that little girl that cowers every time she imagines a slight and takes it oh so personally. She’s a real drain on my energy and makes me do or say ridiculous things. 

Beside which, I’m 53 for crying out loud! This little girl needs to relax and smile more often. Let things roll of her back more or simply take words and circumstances at face value instead of ballooning them into “I’m not good enough.”

Life will always be full of triggers. I will always carry a little girl and an earth warrior inside along with the rest of the crew. The trick is to also carry that deep, still well that emanates calm and keep the dipper handy.

Not Completely in Charge

This is one of those times in my life where I find myself a little in awe at where I’ve landed.

Lately, I’ve heard myself telling long time friends and family, “I really can’t find anything to complain about. In fact, life couldn’t be more perfect.”

There have been a couple of times in my life where this has happened and I find myself thinking about the pieces it takes to create a set of life circumstances.

I remember standing on my south-facing patio in Rockyford with my brother. We had a fire going in the fire pit and brilliant sunshine all around us. We were completely sheltered from the wind and really enjoying coffee and conversation on a lazy afternoon… in February.

A sense of contentment filled me that stemmed from being exactly where I wanted to be and having arrived without conscious effort.

Then I realized that all my life I had wondered how people manage to live in little villages all over Canada. What do they do to make a living? How do they find these little villages and make a place for themselves?

I remembered hearing of the Computer Cottage in my teens and thinking, “That’s what I want; a job that can take place from a home in the country.” 

There were other thoughts over the years; other pieces of the puzzle and over time they added up to my life in Rockyford.

Life being what it is though, the realization of a dream is the beginning of a new dream.

 The dream I am piecing together right now has elements that go back to when I was 16 and elements that are born of life in Rockyford.

What is common to this circumstance and the others is the feeling of life falling into place without my conscious effort. That some force other than me navigated to this sunny shore. Somehow, opportunities arose, circumstances aligned and voila – you are here.

Forget-me-nots : )

What I have today, is an understanding that dreams never die. They shift, change location, mess with the timeline and reform in an almost unrecognizable guise but if you look closely, you find the dream you never really let go. Life is sweet!

Toe in the Pool

Angkor Wat main temple, Cambodia

"In times of great change, it is important to dance through dynamic developments with one eye on your guiding light and steady thoughts of realistic expectation."

When I wrote those words, I was in the midst of a contract negotiation for something I really wanted to do. But I also remained very cognizant through the process that I can no longer compromise, accept conditions or cajole myself into agreeing with anything just to get something.

I am very glad now that I have learned to separate my mind from my emotions at least once a day. That I am mindful enough to notice when my body is telling me that my emotions and thoughts are creating stress. That I remembered to breathe.

Egret, Celestun, Mexico

I find myself in the same place I was last fall when I pulled the plug. It seems putting the plug back in is just as hectic. Maybe even more so because there are key components out of your hands.

My mind organized resettling in these steps – find a job, get approved for a mortgage, find a home, move in and get my stuff out of storage, realize I sold my life last fall and GO SHOPPING!

I can’t wait until I get to that last step! I’m looking forward to creating a nest this fall and curling up in it with Jack the cat. I’m looking forward to visits from friends, dinners with family and satisfying work. It’s just possible I landed the perfect job for me.

I’m thankful to be finished step one. The job hunting experience is a very demanding and unsettling exercise. There doesn’t appear to be a standard procedure and employers are totally rude in this process. It amazed me that ignoring people has become part of acceptable practice through the hiring process.

I expected companies that didn’t want to interview me to ignore me. I did not expect people who interviewed me to then behave as though I no longer exist. Does courtesy not extend to a rejection email? I find it unlikely that these organizations interviewed double-digit numbers and simply don’t have time to let everyone know, “It’s not you.”

Goose in Richmond, BC or me
living on the sidewalk becasue I can't get a mortgage.

Now it’s “Can I have a mortgage please?” Sheesh! I must say it’s hard to put that out there without a little trepidation. “Could you please throw some chains around my neck and make me work like a dog to keep you happy? Mr. Bankman please?” Hmm hearing Woody Guthrie in my head.

Shopping for a house is a different matter. I’m looking forward to seeing different houses in different neighborhoods. It might take some time, but I’ll find something eventually. Looking on line is fun, but here’s some tips for anyone thinking about selling a house.

Path by Bow River, Calgary, AB

Paint those rooms you decided to do in bruise purple, bloodshot eye pink and hold your breath blue. Put some friggen legs on the beds eh? Pick up the junk off the floor before you take photos to post on MLS listings. I don’t care how pretty your dining room table looks with fresh flowers on it, I’m not buying the table and you forgot to step back far enough for me to see the room.

So, new phase to my adventure. Here’s hoping I can find Jack and me a cozy little home to settle into for the winter. I expect visitors!