Getting a Grip on Gripping Fear

A few nights ago, I awoke in the middle of the night terrified by a nightmare – paralysed and barely brave enough to breathe.

Organic Window Bars

I’ve been exploring my thoughts about fear in general and my fears in particular through journaling, Rune and Card readings. That warning I had back in 2009 amplified the intensity and frequency of fear in my life.

However, I am always aware even during times of acute fear that it is a manifestation of thought. Fear is thought; which to me means that I can choose to take control of my fear. That’s proving easier said than done, but that fact does not negate the reality of the statement.

We have all heard of the Fight or Flight response and we all know of the paralysis engendered by intense fear. What I started to wonder about recently is what about fear that just sits on your shoulder as an ever present, mostly under the radar stress? You know, the kind that causes heart attacks.

Psychologists and sociologist today agree that many people live under conditions of heightened stress. Stress has become a by-product of our lifestyles and it is insidious.

How do you fight a constant, ephemeral companion? How do you run away from it when it is part of your landscape? How can a person be free of fear?

Well… you can’t. In actual fact, fear is a primal emotion – so is hope. Both are also well-used emotions by those that would persuade or control us. Put simply, dictators use fear and leaders use hope to get the masses to respond. From there, emotion manipulators abound.

So, we all have to learn to live with fear and it’s personal. The only person that can help you live fearlessly is yourself. Dang, I hate it when I get to one of these conclusions. Just once I’d like to be able to hand of the job of making me happy and well adjusted to someone else.

Anyway having reached this thought, the question becomes, “How does one live WITH fear instead of IN fear?” Also, “Is it possible to turn fear into strength?”

I just finished reading Collapse – How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed by Jared Diamond.

Perhaps, my sister is right. I should not read this type of book. I have read many books of this type over the years for my work. These are non-fiction, factual books about the type and scale of damage humans have wreaked on our planetary ecosystems. This one and Dirt by David Montgomery drove home to me (right around the time I had that nightmare) that Earth will never be restored; we’ve taken it too far from its original state already.

That is not to say that we can’t return to living on a healthy planet, but not the one we started with or even had 50 years ago. These two books also show me that part of our problem is that we live too briefly to truly understand the level of change that’s taken place in our ecosystems.

So, this is the fear that sits on my shoulder and I cannot unlearn what I know. What I need to know now is, “What is the appropriate Fight for this kind of fear?” I think I can figure out the Flight answer to this question all by myself.

In my journaling, I came to the thought that my fears can become my strength if I understand where they come from and what they mean to me.

When I woke the other night, the words that came to me were pain, violence and solitude. According to Jared Diamond these are inevitable conditions during a societal collapse and our society is now global.

We are already seeing the collapse all around us. Our children will live through that collapse unless everyone everywhere becomes an environmentalist. That will mean different things for different people in different places of course, but it is a requirement if we want our grandchildren to have anything remotely like our lifestyles.

As soon as I figure out how exactly, I’m going back into the fight because there is nowhere to fly from this one.

Solstice

Again: the photos in this post have nothing to do with the text. They are photos of the murals in the Palace de Gobierno de Yucatan depicting Mayan history. This is a very small sampling of the murals in this hall that is open to the public.

I need a gratitude practice. Something short and sweet to do over morning coffee.
An affirmation.

A man on his feet, because Mayan men are always on their feet.

I pulled a Major Arcana card. It is The Tower and here are my thoughts generated by this card.

I am a seed that grew into a tree. Many things over the years nourished me and many left marks.

 Now, broken from my mould, I see many beliefs people have that they base on life lessons.

I have beliefs too.

In Mayan culture, the battle between good and evil is always between the Eagle (good) and evil (serpent).  This is a detail of a much larger mural.

Some of them no longer hold true.

There was a time I believed in Santa. There was a time I believed in The White Picket Fence. There was a time I believed children are born kind and honest. There was a time I believed I was an invincible immortal.

If I can learn from life enough to change these beliefs, then I can learn that any belief is subject to change.

Further, beliefs are limits; they create structure and they are personal.

Every individual carries their own beliefs, picks up new ones, puts down old ones and always by their own choice.

This guy has a name I refuse to memorize. He is the Catholic Priest who burned all the Mayan books and records. He then kept meticulous records about Mayan life and culture, so the archaeologists forgive him a little.

So when a belief no longer serves a positive function in your life, it is possible to simply drop it. Maybe not simple, but definitely possible.

New morning affirmation

I believe life is joyous!

Corn: the staff of life - this is a detail of a much larger mural.

Camaraderie Café

For a long time, I’ve wanted to open either a café or a bed & breakfast. I have something like 15 years experience working in the restaurant industry and ran a bed and not breakfast (rules in Jasper) for a few years too.

Both these businesses offer me a chance to do what I really love the most; which is playing Hostess With the Most-ess. I really enjoy hosting folks for good food, good conversation and good times. I love it when people dig into something totally yummy and you can see it on their faces.

Found a music museum in Merida, Mexico

It’s great when people go home feeling that they just spent some time where they were really welcome and know they welcome back anytime too.

I have no idea why this is such a pleasure for me; I just know it is and really that’s all that matters.

The other thing I really enjoy is dynamic and intellectual conversation among people who know that it’s just a conversation, not a fight. Philosophical debates around human impacts, politics, education and lifestyles are so much fun!

So, the idea of having a café where I could hold this type of public event excites me. I love the idea of having TED Talk sessions where I could invite teenagers to come after school, watch a TED Talk and then debate it. Then do the same thing with adults in the evening.

Notice the guy above the door! It looks like he's signing, "Don't come in here."

I like the idea of having a corner where there is an enclosed play area for small children and the wall is a counter where moms can sit, watch their kids and chat over coffee. At one end, I would put a couple of treadmills in case the moms what to walk off the muffin they just ate while they chat.

Over by the fireplace is a wall of books, periodicals and daily & weekly newspapers with tables for people with laptops - Wi-Fi connection in place of course. Over here, we sell coffee by the hour.

It’s a coffee shop, so don’t expect big meals. Oh, there would be soup or stew and a sandwich available, but really you come for the muffins, cinnamon buns, giant cookies, cake, pie and in- café breads served with cheese.

And you come because it’s just so darn comfortable to sit there and contemplate the weather outside, read the latest magazine you’ve taken a liking to now that you’ve found it here and relax. You come because lots of your friends come too and you never know who you might meet and what you might talk about today.

You know that if nothing else you can have a great cup of coffee - or a cheap cup of coffee – and a delicious, nutritious treat while you take a moment to pretend that life is not hectic.

My challenge is that I feel I need partners. Not so much because of the capital and start up cost as because I know how much work it is to create this dream. I also know that a successful operation needs skills and ideas not in my mind.  I have a ton of ideas for this place, but some of them are probably nuts!

You can't hold back the jungle forever!

Also, to have this whole she-bang reliant on one person to carry it along means that there is no day off. Besides, I’ve had enough for now of working in isolation and alone. I want collaboration, community and camaraderie.

Anyone interested?

Thoughts on Globalization

As I wander the streets of Merida, I am fascinated and in awe often. There are many things uniquely Yucatan that I admire such as the culture of politeness; the colorful choices they make in house colors, clothes and craft and the work ethic that has them working 12 hours seemingly 6 days a week.

Pretty tile work on this house.

I don’t see this city as a 3^rd world city. I do see it as a culture that makes different choices than Canada about how to operate and I’m certainly not qualified to judge which might be better. In any case, it would be a matter of what works where more than anything else.

There is no doubt in my mind that 1^st world countries need to adopt a more sustainable way of living on the planet. I also believe that the more humans around the world we raise to a standard of living where they have time to think about something other than survival, the greater benefit we will all receive from the intelligence and creativity of human kind.

So I support global sharing of information and technologies.

I object to 1^st world mega corporations parachuting in everywhere and selling poor nutritional choices and technology that creates unhealthy environmental impacts.

 It certainly looks true that 1^st world corporations simply export products unacceptable to 1^st world standards under the guise of offering 1^st world lifestyle choices to new markets.

I’m staying in a friend’s house (which I much appreciate as an unparalleled opportunity) that is an old Yucatan house; which means the walls are rock rubble and cement block covered by stucco. The Yucatan people began building this way before Christ. It is how the cities such as Chitzen Itza were built.

This photo shows the rock rubble inside the walls.

It makes sense because the ground around here is rock and the jungle is small trees and shrubs. The traditional huts we saw were thatch and sticks – not logs.

So, rock and mud is what they have always had to build homes. Not so different from many places in the world. But, considering the Spanish arrived in the 1500s, I can’t help wondering if the Mayans had a better system for water distribution. (I’m reading the chapter on Mayan civilisation right now)

The plant life indigenous to this part of the world is accustomed to finding water in the natural underground water system that supplies the Yucatan peninsula; cenotes and underground rivers. Water pipes underground are an invitation to local trees, shrubs and grasses to come get a drink.

The other way plants drink is through the nightly mists. The humidity here is palpable. Some evenings, it feels like my face is wet; not just damp, but go-get-a-towel wet.

Locals talk about how electronic equipment, regardless of quality, cannot last more than 2 or 3 years. Couple this with the fact that electrical wires look very scary around here and maybe we should look to develop a different system for this climate.

 Am I right?

This idea brings me to my thoughts on cultural diversity and what we’ve lost over the centuries by polluting every society on the planet with western ways of doing things. It’s not as though every member of North American or European society lives the lifestyle exported through TV and breakfast cereal. Many people in allegedly 1^st world nations live in poverty and have no recourse to make their lives better. I know that’s not what we say, but it is the truth and becoming more true every day.

Perhaps if we stop telling all the developing countries what to do; stop the multi-national companies from simply entering the market without regard for what that market might teach us and start learning from developing societies instead of trying to make them into us, we would find answers to some of our problems in the wisdom they contain.

I’m in favour of a global community, but I want it to be a community that fosters maximum human potential and cultural diversity.

 

Valladolid intersection and me.

Female Brains

The photos in this post have nothing to do with the text, but are a sample of metal work in Merida, Mexico.

I just finished reading The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine on the recommendation of Steve Jeffrey (thanks Steve). I’m 53 and may have hit menopause; I have to wait another 6 months before I can be sure.

What drives me nuts about this kind of book and the information therein is that it explains scientifically the emotional roller coaster I’ve experienced in the past few years and turns my life from an individual experience into a female human experience of the most common sort.

According to Brizendine, I’m right on schedule and completely normal.

I might as well come home and go back to work.

There is nothing to figure out; no new path to find and the best is yet to come. My body’s chemicals about to become steady for the first time since I was 11 and life will become less an emotional imperative and more focused on what truly interests me.

Done and done as they say.

But wait… she had a quote in there from Oprah Winfrey. Oh yes! Oprah! who said, “We have to keep transforming ourselves to become who we ought to be.”

When I read that, I remembered that there is no final place to be; no final way to be or final goal to reach. I suspect most people die in the midst of something; even if that something is deciding whether or not to call a nurse to roll them one more time.

Have you ever noticed that no matter what you want, no matter how big the dream or long term the goal, when you get there it’s great for about 5 minutes and then it’s… NEXT!

So when I read Oprah’s words last night in Brizendine’s book, the image that came up for me was this.

Imagine you are walking along a path in a mountain forest.  The path goes up, down, around rocks and under trees.

 

Every now and then, it crosses a stream. At these crossings, you have to really pay attention to where you put your feet. You have to choose your steps one rock at a time. You have to shift your weight carefully in case the rock wobbles.

Sometimes, you have to plan a few steps in advance because you need to take a little leap to reach the next rocks. So, you need to be able to move fast in case one or more rocks are those wobbly ones.

You have to be willing to risk. You have to know when the risk is too great and you have to know when not taking a risk is more dangerous.

I’m out here on a limb taking a minor risk at a time when to not risk would have spelled disaster for me. To do the normal, expected thing would have tormented my mind for years to come.

Based on ‘a thing’ that happened during my first week here, I know I’m still experiencing a hormone fluctuation cycle. I know that my body chemistry fluctuates a lot and that I will be free of those mood swings in the near future; which is better news than you can imagine if you haven’t been there.

Meanwhile, I’ll be thinking about what I love to do and how I’m going to make a living during the years I have left to skip and leap rocks.

This is the house where we're staying right now. The extensive use of metal over windows means that you can open windows for a cross breeze and still have a secure home. I'm guessing about this.

Thanks to Nancy Parsloe and Gary Pokol for comfy accommodations.

Culture Shock

Okay, so I’ve been a little MIA. Here are my excuses: had a little Montezuma’s Revenge; moved to Valladolid; moved to Merida and then spent a few days getting familiar enough with the area to find food supplies.

We spent two days wandering Valladolid; which is a city of about 60,000 people. Our hotel was on the central square. For folks who may not know, all towns and cities we’ve visited so far are laid out in a circle. They create a public square in the middle of the urban center (even Ek’ Balam a village of 400) as a park and all roads lead away from that park or around that park. If you Google Map a Yucatan city, it looks like a spider web.

Morning view in Valladolid

Keep in mind that I’m walking around with Canadian eyes, so what I notice is what’s different from my experience as a Canadian in Canada. Here in Mexico, I’m really noticing how many shops are dedicated to one thing. We found grocery stores, but they don’t sell produce. Produce is at the market, so is meat.

In among the shops, you also find vendors selling a few items of fresh fruit and vegetables; sometimes in an alcove shop and sometimes from an upturned crate on the sidewalk.

Sidewalks! Just this week I checked in on the Calgary Herald and saw an article about how only 25% of Canadians are happy with the urban services provided by government. The other 75% should come check out the sidewalks in Mexico.

This is one of the areas where I’m experiencing a pretty high degree of culture shock. First of all, I just spent most of my time over the past 15 years living in a Canadian village of 475 people.  It was extremely quiet with prairie wide vistas and fresh, breezy air.

In both Valladolid and Merida, the streets are narrow, the sidewalks unpredictable and the traffic fast. One misstep could cost you your life and that is not an exaggeration in the slightest. It is not always so, but at times it is so true that a person naturally gravitates toward the inside edge against the buildings at the sound of approaching cars.

During rush hours, the pedestrian traffic is as thick as the vehicle traffic. I feel a little awkward because I’m sure there is some system for the locals to make sure they are not pushing each other into that traffic or inadvertently holding up the flow. I haven’t quite got the system yet, but we just try not to go into the heavy traffic zones during those times.

Merida is the capital of the Yucatan province and a city of almost a million people - all of whom seem to be downtown Friday night.  http://yucatantoday.com/en/topics/merida

It’s pretty hard to miss the police presence in urban Yucatan. In Cancun, we saw police pickup trucks with officers standing in the box behind sturdy guard rails with mounted long guns. I don’t know enough of about guns to tell what kind. In all three cities we’ve seen police everywhere. Sometimes it looks like they’re just driving around with lights flashing to say, “We’re here.” In a few parks, I’ve seen little kiosks where an officer sits looking connected to a network and available to the public. Officers are everywhere on the streets. They direct traffic at busy intersections, stand on street corners and walk through crowds. Maybe this is why Merida is a globally acknowledged safe city and Yucatan ranks very high as a crime free region.

I’ve also noticed that they take free speech pretty seriously down here too. While having dinner the other night, a marching band went by the restaurant and stopped beside a park on the road. A woman climbed into the back of the pickup truck with a microphone and began talking. Around her and the truck was the band of school kids.

Not long after, a police car showed up and an officer got out. He left his car lights flashing in the lane the pickup truck was blocking and began directing traffic around the obstruction on the roadway. They were all still there when we left. I so wish I spoke Spanish at times like that.

This is one of our neighbours - visits in the afternoon.