Reintegration is Rough



On the causeway over the moat at the main Angkor Wat temple.

Before I do something foolish and jump back into a life that made me desperately want to free myself, I need to find some clarity around what it is that I want my life to look like going forward.

I could list my past accomplishments, my present skills and my close relationships as a way of describing who I am. I could talk about what I need to hold on to my identity. I could list personal attributes worth preserving in my attachments, but I would prefer to step away from who I am and who I’ve been and see if I can find something deeper; a core of truth.

I feel fraudulent; as though I live my life as a veneer of my true self.

Coming home from Thailand offered me a couple of experiences that make me wonder where I belong.

This is how you buy fruit in Bangkok.

I walked into a grocery store to buy food and did not recognize the reality of the place.   I felt as though I couldn’t see what was in front of me.

None of what my eyes were taking in looked right or real. If my brother hadn’t come to walk with me, I probably would have left that store without much of what I intended to get.

I was walking between worlds and couldn’t see clearly.

The next day, I was driving in Calgary and there seemed to be too few cars on the road. There were a couple of times when there were no cars around me on the streets at all.

The first time, I sat at a red light waiting to turn onto John Laurie Blvd. There was not a single car in sight anywhere.

Suddenly, I laughed at the thought of a Bangkok taxi driver sitting beside me exasperated and yelling with arms flailing, “Why don’t you go? What are you waiting for? There are no cars. Step on the gas and go fast!”

Bangkok street

The second time the streets felt deserted, I had a feeling as though I was one of the last living people following a terrible holocaust and driving through deserted streets in some Sci-Fi movie. It was unnerving.
But these feelings of disconnect from my surroundings signal to me that I’ve let go of more than I may have thought; if I’d thought about it.
Perhaps the foreign travel provided the separation I needed from my old, entrenched life and I’m now ready to head in a new direction.

It would be nice if the direction would present itself! There is one journey I haven’t made yet in this process and it is the journey inward.

During the winter of 2010/11, I wanted very much to go sit in an ashram. It’s possible that it is time to do that… after a visit with my kids.