Posts
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| Bow River, Bowmont Park |
I went for a walk last Sunday in Bowmont Park. As usual, my
mind wandered around from thought to thought. Some brought to mind by sights
and sounds around me.
For instance, when I came to the Zen pond, I rested my
head on the fence rail and listened to the falling water while taking deep
cleansing breaths and letting go of thoughts all together.
But on a Sunday afternoon, Calgary’s river parks are full of
people and dogs. You see all kinds of both doing all kinds of things. I could
hear dogs barking in the distance. See people walking while in deep conversation
and see people out for serious exercise.
When a young woman ran past me clad in running gear from
head to feet including the obligatory sound system, my thoughts turned to why
I don’t run. Here is the conversation that ensued with The Voice in my Head.
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| Rockyford, 2009 |
Me: I have NEVER
liked running. Not to play. Not to catch transportation. Not for exercise. Not
to compete – especially not to compete. *shudder*
Voice: Ya, it’s
undignified.
Me: Excuse me!?
Voice:
Undignified and, certainly, unladylike. It makes people notice you and a lady
does whatever she can to remain unnoticed.
Me: Who the hell
are you and how long have you been hiding in my mind as a belief? What else do
you have to say about being unseen as a dignified way of being in the world?
Voice: Well,
there’s correcting people and having opinions. There’s dressing expressively
and making any kind of loud noise. In fact, any action or inaction that causes
other people to notice you exist.
At this point, I was standing still with a growing realization that this treacherous thought has held me back all my life. And I don’t
even know whose belief it is, where it came from or how it got in my head.
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| 2011 Rockyford, AB |
Anyone who knows me will be able to think of times I overcame
this limiting thought, but the fact remains that it won more often than I care
to admit. Because I’m the only one in my head (thankfully for all of us), no
one knows what I refused to do or say because of this voice.
As I climbed back up the hill to the car, I came to this
realization: the thought boils down to one over-riding way of being - strive
for invisibility.
I was still chewing that invisibility thought Monday night
when I watched
How to Practice Emotional Hygiene by GuyWinch at TEDxLinnaeusUniversity. In his talk, he brings up reactions to failure. He says, “Sometimes a single failure convinced them they couldn’t succeed and they believe it. Once we become convinced of something, it’s very difficult to change our mind.” (9:17 to 9:27)
How to Practice Emotional Hygiene by GuyWinch at TEDxLinnaeusUniversity. In his talk, he brings up reactions to failure. He says, “Sometimes a single failure convinced them they couldn’t succeed and they believe it. Once we become convinced of something, it’s very difficult to change our mind.” (9:17 to 9:27)
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| Red Deer River, 1979 |
Guy made me examine my reaction to
failure. There’s a story from my childhood I only know because I’ve heard it.
Apparently, I had just learned to walk and was dang proud of myself. I walked
around getting kudos from everyone. We’ve all seen this. We make a big deal
about those first steps.
But, I guess mine lead me out the
front door, across the lawn and into the gutter to play with the sand on the
road. The first my mom knew of it was when the milkman brought me to the door
apologizing profusely for running over my legs. (Do not judge my mom for this!
Every mother has a story and my Mom had seven stories.)
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| 1959 Bagotville, Quebec |
Because I was around one-year-old,
my legs healed without any lasting effect and I have no conscious memory of
this story. But if there was a single failure that convinced me success is
something that comes in its own time, this is a likely candidate.
My family assures me that this
setback frustrated me greatly. Imagine a one-year-old
trying to figure out why a great and celebrated accomplishment simply left me.
I could
go through the motions, but my legs would not support me – for a time. All my
efforts led only to disappointment and frustration. Until one day, my legs
worked again. Success comes in its own time regardless of any mortal’s efforts.
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| 1973 |
I can see how my belief about
success and my desire to be invisible meld in some circumstances.
It is irrelevant
where I got these beliefs, because now I’m on to them.
Now, I can see the role they
played in my past.
I can’t change the past.
What I can do is recognize these
partners exist in the recesses of my brain. They work alone or in tandem.
They’re chums. They probably come from the same neighborhood and in any case
have worked together often enough by now to be friends.
However, now I’m on to them. I found
them out!
I reclaim my power.
