The Duality of Letting Go

To say that I had a plan to let go would be misleading. When the house sold, I did what most folks would do and began looking for my next home. I had given some thought to where and what I wanted to buy because my house was on and off the market for 18 months before it sold.

The logical and expected next step was to purchase another home and get on with life in a new local. Then someone asked me if there was somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. I began thinking about a holiday and then an extended time travelling.

After dreaming along the lines of Mexico, Thailand, Europe, South America for about a week, my mind said to me one afternoon, “Okay Claudette, enough foolishness. Pick a place, find a home to buy and get on with life.” No sooner had my mind thought this than my guts sank, my head compressed and I had an overwhelming feeling of foreboding.

I made a decision to go with my gut this time. I don’t usually do that. The Runes stones call it, “…living for a time empty as though waiting for a spring to fill a well or fruit to ripen on the vine.” This is much easier said than done.

I found it extremely interesting watching the reactions of people in my life to this news that I was selling my house and did not have a plan for what came next. I saw awe, concern, envy and confusion. I also heard some amazing rumours about where I was going.

I found that many people want to be in my situation, but they forget that not having a home is a scary thing for a middle aged person accustomed to our social structure. I find myself at times thinking of homelessness and other times freedom.

For instance, the other day I walked past a house where workmen were preparing to install a new furnace and hot water heater – FREEDOM. Hallelujah! I am free from bills, repairs, maintenance and cleaning.

 Later the very same day, I walked into my sister’s house and my mind lurched, “I want to go home!” I want to sit by my gas fireplace, cuddle my cat and watch the amazing prairie light fade to black, star speckled sky. Whah!

I am also finding that our society is not prepared to deal with people who have no fixed address. Retailers don’t even want to give you a reward card! So, business transactions become complicated while life becomes simple.

For instance, I’ve noticed that my inbox is much less busy. I’m not contacting several people per day, building stories for newsletters, connections for events or schedules for publications. I see my mind concerned about how relevant I may be once disconnected.

But I also see before me an open road. A road that now heads to Vancouver and Victoria to meet my first grandchild and smell the northern Pacific.