Getting a Grip on Gripping Fear

A few nights ago, I awoke in the middle of the night terrified by a nightmare – paralysed and barely brave enough to breathe.

Organic Window Bars

I’ve been exploring my thoughts about fear in general and my fears in particular through journaling, Rune and Card readings. That warning I had back in 2009 amplified the intensity and frequency of fear in my life.

However, I am always aware even during times of acute fear that it is a manifestation of thought. Fear is thought; which to me means that I can choose to take control of my fear. That’s proving easier said than done, but that fact does not negate the reality of the statement.

We have all heard of the Fight or Flight response and we all know of the paralysis engendered by intense fear. What I started to wonder about recently is what about fear that just sits on your shoulder as an ever present, mostly under the radar stress? You know, the kind that causes heart attacks.

Psychologists and sociologist today agree that many people live under conditions of heightened stress. Stress has become a by-product of our lifestyles and it is insidious.

How do you fight a constant, ephemeral companion? How do you run away from it when it is part of your landscape? How can a person be free of fear?

Well… you can’t. In actual fact, fear is a primal emotion – so is hope. Both are also well-used emotions by those that would persuade or control us. Put simply, dictators use fear and leaders use hope to get the masses to respond. From there, emotion manipulators abound.

So, we all have to learn to live with fear and it’s personal. The only person that can help you live fearlessly is yourself. Dang, I hate it when I get to one of these conclusions. Just once I’d like to be able to hand of the job of making me happy and well adjusted to someone else.

Anyway having reached this thought, the question becomes, “How does one live WITH fear instead of IN fear?” Also, “Is it possible to turn fear into strength?”

I just finished reading Collapse – How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed by Jared Diamond.

Perhaps, my sister is right. I should not read this type of book. I have read many books of this type over the years for my work. These are non-fiction, factual books about the type and scale of damage humans have wreaked on our planetary ecosystems. This one and Dirt by David Montgomery drove home to me (right around the time I had that nightmare) that Earth will never be restored; we’ve taken it too far from its original state already.

That is not to say that we can’t return to living on a healthy planet, but not the one we started with or even had 50 years ago. These two books also show me that part of our problem is that we live too briefly to truly understand the level of change that’s taken place in our ecosystems.

So, this is the fear that sits on my shoulder and I cannot unlearn what I know. What I need to know now is, “What is the appropriate Fight for this kind of fear?” I think I can figure out the Flight answer to this question all by myself.

In my journaling, I came to the thought that my fears can become my strength if I understand where they come from and what they mean to me.

When I woke the other night, the words that came to me were pain, violence and solitude. According to Jared Diamond these are inevitable conditions during a societal collapse and our society is now global.

We are already seeing the collapse all around us. Our children will live through that collapse unless everyone everywhere becomes an environmentalist. That will mean different things for different people in different places of course, but it is a requirement if we want our grandchildren to have anything remotely like our lifestyles.

As soon as I figure out how exactly, I’m going back into the fight because there is nowhere to fly from this one.

Solstice

Again: the photos in this post have nothing to do with the text. They are photos of the murals in the Palace de Gobierno de Yucatan depicting Mayan history. This is a very small sampling of the murals in this hall that is open to the public.

I need a gratitude practice. Something short and sweet to do over morning coffee.
An affirmation.

A man on his feet, because Mayan men are always on their feet.

I pulled a Major Arcana card. It is The Tower and here are my thoughts generated by this card.

I am a seed that grew into a tree. Many things over the years nourished me and many left marks.

 Now, broken from my mould, I see many beliefs people have that they base on life lessons.

I have beliefs too.

In Mayan culture, the battle between good and evil is always between the Eagle (good) and evil (serpent).  This is a detail of a much larger mural.

Some of them no longer hold true.

There was a time I believed in Santa. There was a time I believed in The White Picket Fence. There was a time I believed children are born kind and honest. There was a time I believed I was an invincible immortal.

If I can learn from life enough to change these beliefs, then I can learn that any belief is subject to change.

Further, beliefs are limits; they create structure and they are personal.

Every individual carries their own beliefs, picks up new ones, puts down old ones and always by their own choice.

This guy has a name I refuse to memorize. He is the Catholic Priest who burned all the Mayan books and records. He then kept meticulous records about Mayan life and culture, so the archaeologists forgive him a little.

So when a belief no longer serves a positive function in your life, it is possible to simply drop it. Maybe not simple, but definitely possible.

New morning affirmation

I believe life is joyous!

Corn: the staff of life - this is a detail of a much larger mural.

Camaraderie Café

For a long time, I’ve wanted to open either a café or a bed & breakfast. I have something like 15 years experience working in the restaurant industry and ran a bed and not breakfast (rules in Jasper) for a few years too.

Both these businesses offer me a chance to do what I really love the most; which is playing Hostess With the Most-ess. I really enjoy hosting folks for good food, good conversation and good times. I love it when people dig into something totally yummy and you can see it on their faces.

Found a music museum in Merida, Mexico

It’s great when people go home feeling that they just spent some time where they were really welcome and know they welcome back anytime too.

I have no idea why this is such a pleasure for me; I just know it is and really that’s all that matters.

The other thing I really enjoy is dynamic and intellectual conversation among people who know that it’s just a conversation, not a fight. Philosophical debates around human impacts, politics, education and lifestyles are so much fun!

So, the idea of having a café where I could hold this type of public event excites me. I love the idea of having TED Talk sessions where I could invite teenagers to come after school, watch a TED Talk and then debate it. Then do the same thing with adults in the evening.

Notice the guy above the door! It looks like he's signing, "Don't come in here."

I like the idea of having a corner where there is an enclosed play area for small children and the wall is a counter where moms can sit, watch their kids and chat over coffee. At one end, I would put a couple of treadmills in case the moms what to walk off the muffin they just ate while they chat.

Over by the fireplace is a wall of books, periodicals and daily & weekly newspapers with tables for people with laptops - Wi-Fi connection in place of course. Over here, we sell coffee by the hour.

It’s a coffee shop, so don’t expect big meals. Oh, there would be soup or stew and a sandwich available, but really you come for the muffins, cinnamon buns, giant cookies, cake, pie and in- café breads served with cheese.

And you come because it’s just so darn comfortable to sit there and contemplate the weather outside, read the latest magazine you’ve taken a liking to now that you’ve found it here and relax. You come because lots of your friends come too and you never know who you might meet and what you might talk about today.

You know that if nothing else you can have a great cup of coffee - or a cheap cup of coffee – and a delicious, nutritious treat while you take a moment to pretend that life is not hectic.

My challenge is that I feel I need partners. Not so much because of the capital and start up cost as because I know how much work it is to create this dream. I also know that a successful operation needs skills and ideas not in my mind.  I have a ton of ideas for this place, but some of them are probably nuts!

You can't hold back the jungle forever!

Also, to have this whole she-bang reliant on one person to carry it along means that there is no day off. Besides, I’ve had enough for now of working in isolation and alone. I want collaboration, community and camaraderie.

Anyone interested?

Thoughts on Globalization

As I wander the streets of Merida, I am fascinated and in awe often. There are many things uniquely Yucatan that I admire such as the culture of politeness; the colorful choices they make in house colors, clothes and craft and the work ethic that has them working 12 hours seemingly 6 days a week.

Pretty tile work on this house.

I don’t see this city as a 3^rd world city. I do see it as a culture that makes different choices than Canada about how to operate and I’m certainly not qualified to judge which might be better. In any case, it would be a matter of what works where more than anything else.

There is no doubt in my mind that 1^st world countries need to adopt a more sustainable way of living on the planet. I also believe that the more humans around the world we raise to a standard of living where they have time to think about something other than survival, the greater benefit we will all receive from the intelligence and creativity of human kind.

So I support global sharing of information and technologies.

I object to 1^st world mega corporations parachuting in everywhere and selling poor nutritional choices and technology that creates unhealthy environmental impacts.

 It certainly looks true that 1^st world corporations simply export products unacceptable to 1^st world standards under the guise of offering 1^st world lifestyle choices to new markets.

I’m staying in a friend’s house (which I much appreciate as an unparalleled opportunity) that is an old Yucatan house; which means the walls are rock rubble and cement block covered by stucco. The Yucatan people began building this way before Christ. It is how the cities such as Chitzen Itza were built.

This photo shows the rock rubble inside the walls.

It makes sense because the ground around here is rock and the jungle is small trees and shrubs. The traditional huts we saw were thatch and sticks – not logs.

So, rock and mud is what they have always had to build homes. Not so different from many places in the world. But, considering the Spanish arrived in the 1500s, I can’t help wondering if the Mayans had a better system for water distribution. (I’m reading the chapter on Mayan civilisation right now)

The plant life indigenous to this part of the world is accustomed to finding water in the natural underground water system that supplies the Yucatan peninsula; cenotes and underground rivers. Water pipes underground are an invitation to local trees, shrubs and grasses to come get a drink.

The other way plants drink is through the nightly mists. The humidity here is palpable. Some evenings, it feels like my face is wet; not just damp, but go-get-a-towel wet.

Locals talk about how electronic equipment, regardless of quality, cannot last more than 2 or 3 years. Couple this with the fact that electrical wires look very scary around here and maybe we should look to develop a different system for this climate.

 Am I right?

This idea brings me to my thoughts on cultural diversity and what we’ve lost over the centuries by polluting every society on the planet with western ways of doing things. It’s not as though every member of North American or European society lives the lifestyle exported through TV and breakfast cereal. Many people in allegedly 1^st world nations live in poverty and have no recourse to make their lives better. I know that’s not what we say, but it is the truth and becoming more true every day.

Perhaps if we stop telling all the developing countries what to do; stop the multi-national companies from simply entering the market without regard for what that market might teach us and start learning from developing societies instead of trying to make them into us, we would find answers to some of our problems in the wisdom they contain.

I’m in favour of a global community, but I want it to be a community that fosters maximum human potential and cultural diversity.

 

Valladolid intersection and me.

Female Brains

The photos in this post have nothing to do with the text, but are a sample of metal work in Merida, Mexico.

I just finished reading The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine on the recommendation of Steve Jeffrey (thanks Steve). I’m 53 and may have hit menopause; I have to wait another 6 months before I can be sure.

What drives me nuts about this kind of book and the information therein is that it explains scientifically the emotional roller coaster I’ve experienced in the past few years and turns my life from an individual experience into a female human experience of the most common sort.

According to Brizendine, I’m right on schedule and completely normal.

I might as well come home and go back to work.

There is nothing to figure out; no new path to find and the best is yet to come. My body’s chemicals about to become steady for the first time since I was 11 and life will become less an emotional imperative and more focused on what truly interests me.

Done and done as they say.

But wait… she had a quote in there from Oprah Winfrey. Oh yes! Oprah! who said, “We have to keep transforming ourselves to become who we ought to be.”

When I read that, I remembered that there is no final place to be; no final way to be or final goal to reach. I suspect most people die in the midst of something; even if that something is deciding whether or not to call a nurse to roll them one more time.

Have you ever noticed that no matter what you want, no matter how big the dream or long term the goal, when you get there it’s great for about 5 minutes and then it’s… NEXT!

So when I read Oprah’s words last night in Brizendine’s book, the image that came up for me was this.

Imagine you are walking along a path in a mountain forest.  The path goes up, down, around rocks and under trees.

 

Every now and then, it crosses a stream. At these crossings, you have to really pay attention to where you put your feet. You have to choose your steps one rock at a time. You have to shift your weight carefully in case the rock wobbles.

Sometimes, you have to plan a few steps in advance because you need to take a little leap to reach the next rocks. So, you need to be able to move fast in case one or more rocks are those wobbly ones.

You have to be willing to risk. You have to know when the risk is too great and you have to know when not taking a risk is more dangerous.

I’m out here on a limb taking a minor risk at a time when to not risk would have spelled disaster for me. To do the normal, expected thing would have tormented my mind for years to come.

Based on ‘a thing’ that happened during my first week here, I know I’m still experiencing a hormone fluctuation cycle. I know that my body chemistry fluctuates a lot and that I will be free of those mood swings in the near future; which is better news than you can imagine if you haven’t been there.

Meanwhile, I’ll be thinking about what I love to do and how I’m going to make a living during the years I have left to skip and leap rocks.

This is the house where we're staying right now. The extensive use of metal over windows means that you can open windows for a cross breeze and still have a secure home. I'm guessing about this.

Thanks to Nancy Parsloe and Gary Pokol for comfy accommodations.

Culture Shock

Okay, so I’ve been a little MIA. Here are my excuses: had a little Montezuma’s Revenge; moved to Valladolid; moved to Merida and then spent a few days getting familiar enough with the area to find food supplies.

We spent two days wandering Valladolid; which is a city of about 60,000 people. Our hotel was on the central square. For folks who may not know, all towns and cities we’ve visited so far are laid out in a circle. They create a public square in the middle of the urban center (even Ek’ Balam a village of 400) as a park and all roads lead away from that park or around that park. If you Google Map a Yucatan city, it looks like a spider web.

Morning view in Valladolid

Keep in mind that I’m walking around with Canadian eyes, so what I notice is what’s different from my experience as a Canadian in Canada. Here in Mexico, I’m really noticing how many shops are dedicated to one thing. We found grocery stores, but they don’t sell produce. Produce is at the market, so is meat.

In among the shops, you also find vendors selling a few items of fresh fruit and vegetables; sometimes in an alcove shop and sometimes from an upturned crate on the sidewalk.

Sidewalks! Just this week I checked in on the Calgary Herald and saw an article about how only 25% of Canadians are happy with the urban services provided by government. The other 75% should come check out the sidewalks in Mexico.

This is one of the areas where I’m experiencing a pretty high degree of culture shock. First of all, I just spent most of my time over the past 15 years living in a Canadian village of 475 people.  It was extremely quiet with prairie wide vistas and fresh, breezy air.

In both Valladolid and Merida, the streets are narrow, the sidewalks unpredictable and the traffic fast. One misstep could cost you your life and that is not an exaggeration in the slightest. It is not always so, but at times it is so true that a person naturally gravitates toward the inside edge against the buildings at the sound of approaching cars.

During rush hours, the pedestrian traffic is as thick as the vehicle traffic. I feel a little awkward because I’m sure there is some system for the locals to make sure they are not pushing each other into that traffic or inadvertently holding up the flow. I haven’t quite got the system yet, but we just try not to go into the heavy traffic zones during those times.

Merida is the capital of the Yucatan province and a city of almost a million people - all of whom seem to be downtown Friday night.  http://yucatantoday.com/en/topics/merida

It’s pretty hard to miss the police presence in urban Yucatan. In Cancun, we saw police pickup trucks with officers standing in the box behind sturdy guard rails with mounted long guns. I don’t know enough of about guns to tell what kind. In all three cities we’ve seen police everywhere. Sometimes it looks like they’re just driving around with lights flashing to say, “We’re here.” In a few parks, I’ve seen little kiosks where an officer sits looking connected to a network and available to the public. Officers are everywhere on the streets. They direct traffic at busy intersections, stand on street corners and walk through crowds. Maybe this is why Merida is a globally acknowledged safe city and Yucatan ranks very high as a crime free region.

I’ve also noticed that they take free speech pretty seriously down here too. While having dinner the other night, a marching band went by the restaurant and stopped beside a park on the road. A woman climbed into the back of the pickup truck with a microphone and began talking. Around her and the truck was the band of school kids.

Not long after, a police car showed up and an officer got out. He left his car lights flashing in the lane the pickup truck was blocking and began directing traffic around the obstruction on the roadway. They were all still there when we left. I so wish I spoke Spanish at times like that.

This is one of our neighbours - visits in the afternoon.

Thousand Word Images

This is a man in authentic Mayan costume posing with tourists. I was fine until he started to do this "You're my Queen" thing. Yes, he really said that!
I am not anyone's queen, so this was a little embarassing - especially when I saw the photo. Sigh! There was a time I had one chin.

Before I show you the excavated ruins, check out the job they have to do for our viewing pleasure. I'll say one thing here about Mexico, rather than bringing in the heavy equipment they put people to work. I'm willing to bet that it's partly to be cautious and partly to keep employment up. You can't see it in this photo, but the stones near the top have numbers on them. I assume that's to put it back together correctly after excavation.



Here are some of the smaller buildings on the site. In total I think there were 10-15 buildings dug out of the jungle so far. Oddly, I didn't photograph the big acropolis/temple. Must have been the heat!

At the main temple, they restored some of the fine carving. All the rock in this region is this color, but most of it is covered by lichen, dirt, jungle and plant life.

This last photo is to prove I climbed the acropolis here. I'm not really fond of heights and these staircases are really steep... and made of rock. Gives a whole new dimension to the idea of falling down the stairs. But, I sat there and looked at the temple for a bit and decided I would not forgive myself for passing the opportunity. Again, can't believe I didn't photograph it.

Here's me at the top.

Don't I just look the conqueroring Gringo! LOL Going up was the easy part. But coming home to this made it better.

Stay warm and safe my friends.

Cultural Quandry

We got up yesterday morning and had an excellent breakfast. Over breakfast, Matt and I talked about the difficulty of judging what kind of neighborhood we were looking at across the street.

One of the first things you notice about a foreign country is that “You’re not in Kansas anymore.” (Can’t remember where that quote came from – sorry)

The night before, twice, we saw police pick-up trucks with 2-4 officers in the cab and 2 more in the box surrounded by a sturdy rail and manning mounted BIG guns. Over breakfast, a military truck drove by looking much the same but with bigger guns.

I found myself trying to decide what affect on the psyche growing up with that kind of police presence has for the population. It was downtown Cancun at rush hour. We also have police presence at downtown rush hour in Calgary; it’s just different looking. Hmm... too much of an understatement?

Anyway, then we hopped a cab to the ADO bus station, bought tickets for Valladolid (pronounced Balla-doe-leed for some inexplicable reason), put our luggage in storage and went for a daylight walk on the same street as the night before.

According to Cancun folks, we were downtown in the heart of Cancun at that point. So, when I saw a building with a thatched roof the contrast to Calgary was just too much and I had to get Matt to take a photo.

We found out just how short a distance I can go in that kind of heat when we realized we had to turn back to catch our bus about 6 blocks down the street. Of course we had made a little detour, stopped in a store and generally walked slowly with wide eyes on the trip away from the bus depot and hoofed it back fairly quickly.

The bus ride into the interior was uneventful and more or less a drive through the trees with the odd glimpse of more trees. The land started looking like jungle prairie; which is short scrub on flat land. We didn’t climb any big hills or spend any time on twisty roads.

At Valladolid, we hired a taxi to drive us to Genesis Retreat at Ek’ Balam. More scrub jungle, some finished corn fields that don’t look anything like the corn fields of Alberta. In fact, I had to ask just to make sure and the only clue I had was the dead cornstalks still standing. I’ll get a photo because my agricultural friends won’t believe it.

When we arrived at Ek’ Balam pueblo, the driver slowed down to avoid running over chickens on the single-wide red dirt track. We passed by true, rural living quarters with families going about daily routines. I’ll be off to photograph some of that soon.

Ek’ Balam is Mexico’s hammock weaving capital and, as we drove past the residences, some of the homes had colorful hammocks hanging from beams outside the house. I’ll be checking that out too.

Genesis Retreat is the creation of a Canadian woman from Ontario and Alberta (as so many Canadians are), so although we are in the heart of rural Mexico, we have a person who can answer questions and advise us about what to see and do.

Hall to our room!

The retreat she created is a 2-acre enclosure with rustic accommodations and a sustainable footprint philosophy. If you want 4-star, go stay in Hotel Row, Cancun. This spot is for people who want to experience Mexico and learn something about how Mexicans live.

Last night I had trouble getting to sleep because of jungle noises, the openness of our accommodations (the walls don’t go all the way to the ceiling) and my own fears about what kind of things could be lurking in the thatch over my head.

This morning, however, I’m happy to sit here in the garden with coffee, jungle noises and geckos. I plan to take this day to relax, meditate and climatise.

Or volumous hair!

Mexican Walk About

It’s amazing how distance equalizes everything. The flight from Calgary to Cancun offered an almost constant view of the ground over every state from Montana to New Orleans where we headed out over the Gulf.
All the land simply looked like farmland, punctuated by large rivers, lakes and urban pancakes. Parts of it were green and parts of it were autumn yellow/brown. From 38,000 feet it’s all flat, softly textured vistas of natural color.
We arrived in Cancun determined to get to our hotel without paying an outrageous taxi fee. FAIL! When we got here, I sat down for 2 minutes and wrote out the value of 20, 50, 100, 200 & 500 pesos. Mind you, I’ve never taken a cab from the airport to downtown Calgary. Perhaps I would be shocked at that cost. Probably the last time I was in a cab was from the Cancun airport. LOL … and maybe next time.
After a brief settle into the hotel, Matt and I headed up the street to see sights. That we did! First of all, it was rush hour in downtown Cancun. Many people live here. Also, say what you will about the Canadian infrastructure, but come walk downtown Cancun before you grumble too much.
There was one spot where clearly someone had patched the sidewalk in front of a store, but a citizen walked right through the wet cement. There are perfect footprints in the sidewalk for that section. With the darkness that descended while we walked up the street, we had to pay attention to where our feet went.
We also learned that the best way to cross a busy street is through the traffic while it’s stopped for a red light. Pedestrians literally take their lives into their own hands and cross where and when they feel they have the best chance of survival. We skulked behind the locals a couple of times to get across Ave. Tulum.
We crossed the street to head back and, when we got to the corner, had two opinions about the direction we should go. So, we got out the map the hotel gave us. In this process, a man approached and asked us in English if we needed directions.
Together we put on glasses and then I turned the map right side up. I was trying to tell him the name of the street our hotel is on, but my pronunciation had him completely baffled. Fortunately, the map cleared that up and we parted ways after many thank yous.
About 2 blocks away, I noticed him again because he was travelling the same direction as us. We got back to the little eatery I had in mind from the walk out and I recognized a couple sitting there who are also staying at this hotel. Made me feel a bit like we were on familiar ground and I noticed that the place was busy; always a good sign in a restaurant.
We were puzzling over the menu when our Mexican friend got up from his table and came to help us. After a moment, he pulled out a little pad and wrote down our order for the waitress. Turns out he is a waiter at one of the hotels on Hotel Row. If you don’t know what Hotel Row is in Cancun, check it out on Google maps. Reminds me of Dubai.
So, our very first night in Mexico we met a Mexican angel. He was very nice and very helpful. He stopped at our table before he left the restaurant and wished us a wonderful visit to his country.

I’d have to say we’re off to a good start. We thoroughly enjoyed our dinner and it cost us $8.88 Can and that included a generous tip!

Viva Vivid Vistas

With that first trip under my belt, I already have some wonderful images to carry with me as I journey forward. The weather was surprisingly cooperative for November on the Pacific Coast. My ferry crossing to Victoria was a rare opportunity to experience some water moments.

The land/seascape is beautiful and serene when it’s that calm. The sun was poking out through the clouds every so often and the air was fine for a hearty Albertan. I stood on the deck for a while with eyes closed and listened to the sound of water sloshing away from the ferry hull.

When I opened my eyes, we were in a narrow passage with forested mountains creating large islands around us. The houses were, of course, right on the rocks overlooking the sea. One house must get very wet in high winds. I can’t help but wonder what it feels like to sit on a couch and watch the sea bathe the windows before you!

I took the slow bus into Victoria and saw Sannich and Sidney on the way. There were more houses on the rocks, but also fields where clearly pumpkins grew very recently. Then I arrived at my son’s house and met Lumen my first grandchild.

Now there’s a face to a make a grandma smile. I’m a little proud as a mother watching my son joyfully care for his infant daughter. From diaper changes to snuggled on his chest, Lumen seems to love her daddy. It was also great to stay with a young couple that obviously care for each other and know that, though life may not be easy, it will be together.

Back across the water in Langley, I went for a walk in Campbell River Park with my brother-in-law. It’s a rainforest, but it wasn’t raining that day. We walked through thick vegetation with huge cedar trees accenting the landscape among many kinds of shrubs. We walked over a wetland bridge where children were feeding birds and a little girl excitedly told us how they will land on your hand. She had that childhood wonder on her face that only a child can manifest.

A few steps away, Mallards were feeding in the wetland reeds. The water level must be low because the reeds were tangling them somewhat and one male briefly (just enough to be comical) struggled to upright himself with his duck feet flailing the air and his tail feathers vibrating.

Before they took me to the airport, my sister and hubby took me to a restaurant overlooking the water where a BC company has a float plane service. I guess it’s their terminal and we ate in the pub hanging over an arm of the Fraser River delta beside the airport.

We watched several 12-seater planes take off and land while the sun set over the delta. The light turned to gold on the water and red and purple in the sky.

When we took off from Vancouver airport, the darkness had descended and Vancouver was a sparkling jewel landscape below the plane. As I watched the lights, I suddenly began to see rolling black outs. Truly rolling as though I was watching… small clouds momentarily obscure the view. But for a second, I thought the Universe has arranged a light show just for me!

As we began our decent into Calgary, I started looking for the Calgary jewel sure to show up outside my window. Suddenly, there it was, but after a sharp turn the view became spectacular as a large orange moon appeared on the eastern horizon.

We live in a wonderful world full of much beauty. I’m very grateful for these experiences and for the abundant love that is so much a part of it. I’ll keep saying it… I have a wonderful support network.

A Visitor in My Own Life

This process of unplugging from my life is taking longer than I expected. Today is the one month anniversary of leaving my Rockyford home and beginning a great adventure.

It doesn’t feel like a great adventure though. It feels like visiting my life. Here is my son, but he is different. Here there are sisters and a daughter, but it is different.

This little journey to the coast is perfect preparation and introduction to travel for a hermit. I’m finding what works and what doesn’t for luggage. What I really need to have with me and what’s extra weight. What it’s like  to use public transit again.

Life on the Rocks

I’m familiar enough with Canadian culture to feel some comfort in unfamiliar surroundings, but still having to stretch a little. After all, I spent the last 30 years or so sticking pretty close to home. It’s much easier to travel through familiar territory, to familiar places where familiar people feed you familiar food and put you to bed in a style to which you are accustomed.

So this trip is travel 101 in preparation for travel 2.0 to Mexico. Mexico will still be familiar to some extent because I’ve been to the area we’re visiting, I know some of what to expect and I think my knowledge of French may help with the language. Also, I know some people where we’re going and we’re renting a friend’s house.

I made some minor mistakes on this trip that illustrate to me how easy it is to complicate your life for the wrong reasons. I’m learning that I need to watch that I make the right decision for the right reason. There is some busting out of moulds I need to do. Most of this has to do with ways of spending money and time.

Some of it though has to do with my relationship to myself and those around me. Living unfettered by home and work responsibilities gives you a different perspective on our society and our individual ways of being in it.

I see a society very caught up in its unsustainable practices and divorced from community. Even while many individuals wake up to the downward slope that is consumerism, they cannot figure out how to leave it behind without hardship or turning the clock back to a simpler time where no one really wants to live.

I get it though. I too resist changes I want to make in my life. It’s so easy to see the changes others need to make and even tell them how to make those changes – lol. Adopting permanent change into my own life is more difficult. Look at the extreme measures I’m taking to create change in my life! It’s ironic because I know that change is constant and inevitable.

Wandering urban centers and frequenting big box stores is such an eye opener and these days I keep one eye clearly focused on my reactions to what I’m seeing. Canadian urban culture is as foreign to me as what I suspect I’ll find in far away Mexico and Thailand.

People are fascinating! Crazy, but fascinating.

The Duality of Letting Go

To say that I had a plan to let go would be misleading. When the house sold, I did what most folks would do and began looking for my next home. I had given some thought to where and what I wanted to buy because my house was on and off the market for 18 months before it sold.

The logical and expected next step was to purchase another home and get on with life in a new local. Then someone asked me if there was somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. I began thinking about a holiday and then an extended time travelling.

After dreaming along the lines of Mexico, Thailand, Europe, South America for about a week, my mind said to me one afternoon, “Okay Claudette, enough foolishness. Pick a place, find a home to buy and get on with life.” No sooner had my mind thought this than my guts sank, my head compressed and I had an overwhelming feeling of foreboding.

I made a decision to go with my gut this time. I don’t usually do that. The Runes stones call it, “…living for a time empty as though waiting for a spring to fill a well or fruit to ripen on the vine.” This is much easier said than done.

I found it extremely interesting watching the reactions of people in my life to this news that I was selling my house and did not have a plan for what came next. I saw awe, concern, envy and confusion. I also heard some amazing rumours about where I was going.

I found that many people want to be in my situation, but they forget that not having a home is a scary thing for a middle aged person accustomed to our social structure. I find myself at times thinking of homelessness and other times freedom.

For instance, the other day I walked past a house where workmen were preparing to install a new furnace and hot water heater – FREEDOM. Hallelujah! I am free from bills, repairs, maintenance and cleaning.

 Later the very same day, I walked into my sister’s house and my mind lurched, “I want to go home!” I want to sit by my gas fireplace, cuddle my cat and watch the amazing prairie light fade to black, star speckled sky. Whah!

I am also finding that our society is not prepared to deal with people who have no fixed address. Retailers don’t even want to give you a reward card! So, business transactions become complicated while life becomes simple.

For instance, I’ve noticed that my inbox is much less busy. I’m not contacting several people per day, building stories for newsletters, connections for events or schedules for publications. I see my mind concerned about how relevant I may be once disconnected.

But I also see before me an open road. A road that now heads to Vancouver and Victoria to meet my first grandchild and smell the northern Pacific.

Why I let go

For many years, I said to my children, “As soon as Darling Daughter graduates, I’m buying a camper van and will live with no fixed address.”

It turns out that I am a person who takes responsibility very seriously. I’m not sure how that happened, but I am sure today that it’s true.

When I became a single parent, I took on a big project with lots or responsibility. I thought it best to offer the flexibility I wanted to care for my children that I start a business rather than get a job. I bought us a little house in a small village on the prairie – yes, a little house on the prairie.

Going back to the responsibility thing, that’s single parenthood, small business and house under the heading of major responsibilities. Through almost 20 years of hanging on tight and taking responsibility for everything put before me, I managed to raise the kids, grow the business and maintain the house.

In early 2009, I had a warning from (pick one) God, The Universe, Great Mystery or Oneness that life is finite - even mine. It was an event that made me think about everything that created my past and everything that might create my future until my story ends.

For just over 2 years, the struggle between my responsibilities and my desire to think about some stuff has challenged me greatly. I want some time to think. I want time to think for so long that my thoughts exhaust themselves and I reach a place of inner peace. I want to know exactly who I am and how I want to be in this world for the time I have left.

 I let go because I can. I have no debt, no kids, no house and no responsibilities. I’m healthy, young enough and brave enough. I have a fantastic support network.

Not that this is easy. My emotions since the sale of the house are akin to lying on the beach listening to waves – whoosh, pause, whoosh, pause.

The day I received a firm offer on my house, my mind disconnected from body. A thin tether held my consciousness in place so that I could perform the tasks before me. A week later, the sale became final and, for 24 hours, I couldn’t form a complete sentence. As 60 days counted down to move out, I had to simply allow myself to be and do the tasks before me. There was no plan and no thinking.

The final two days remind me of giving birth – hard work, interspersed with acute emotions and ending with a feeling of being somewhere completely different. It was the goal and the target, but it changes everything.

Here I am untethered, unfettered, a child of the Universe. I’m off to discover me in near and far away lands.

 I’ll keep you posted.